Quick note: I'm feeling more like myself than I did when I wrote the "Whatever" post. Thank you to all who asked.
This short (6 min) film is a moving depiction of how the other side lives.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
Power of Whatever (indifferent case of logorrhea)
Life-long activist's biggest enemy: apathy. Today, I am the embodiment of that enemy. Fruitless, pointless, lifeless. Not gray or dark, but white. Simple lack. Not negative. Not depressed. Not feeling. Do my homework: fruitless. Reject this life completely and start over: Whatever. Live as a farmer: pointless. Devote life to others Mother Teresa-style: moral masturbation. Seclude myself and become a "monkette": too many rules, goals--too much to reject. Spend life on a beach: boring. Life is what I make of it? Eh. Life is what it is. This.
Not sad, angry, or rejected. I'm the indifferent rejector.
No explanation. No desire to find one or accurately articulate. Amorphous and convoluted: preferable. Words' precision would solidify; thus altering, defining, and shattering. Simple nothingness. No harmony. No peace. No violence. No destruction. Indifferent rejection, simultaneous blanket acceptance. I'm entertained by the backwardness. The opposite-ness to who I am most days. Curious. Interesting. This is the "abnormal" phase. To be overcome. To say "wiser" or "more real" elevates this condition and undoes it.
Sitting in the cushy chair of Starbucks watching passersby thinking they have some place to be or that they're enjoying the day. Aimless. Pointless.
I'm restless, energetic, antsy, passive, directionless. A smile. I'm enjoying my antithetical condition. I know my normal, happy, well-adjusted self would be displeased with my current disposition--in a non-judgemental way, of course.
Whatever. Not trying to rebel or deliberately reject--implies purpose, intent. I'm without.
I'm the anti-Nicole. Nothing pleases. Nothing displeases. Personification of "whatever."
I see bright sunshine, and like the pressed button of a laugh track, I produce a canned response, "the sun's nice." Most days I'd mean it. Today, I'm just glad it's not cloudy. The dreariness would have likely corrupted my non-ness into something gloomy. The sun purifies my apathy.
An observer. Disengaged. Uninvolved.
Should try to snap out of it. Don't care. Kind of like it here. New and different... in it's cliched indifference.
Last night I changed the banner on my phone--a message to see every time I flip open my "communicator"--to something that might spark inspiration or motivation: "why not?" Conversely, today the overwhelming question is "why?"
I search the street for something to engage me. Bright red hair... ! I'll dye my hair, pierce a facial feature, get a tattoo. I'm interested. Piqued. A feeling. Should I? The irony of my "cure" being rebellious, superficial alterations amuses me. Do it to be ironic? No one would get my joke. Who cares if they would. Too much effort. Pointless. I'm over it.
... I'll jump in the Aloha Tower Harbor. I'll walk down the street with no pants. Too much attention. Nothing to rebel against. No statements. No point.
I'm wearing a fuzzy gray Muppet-fur poncho around my neck; it's soft. I like it. Oh, I like something. Over it.
I'm spent. I am aware that my vain attempt to describe my thoughts today has somewhat defiled their purity. Oh well. To any (unfortunate) readers who've happened upon this anomalous entry (read: Mom), please be assured that I'm fine and have probably "recovered" by the time you've finished reading this. (Luckily, my moods are also transient.) I thought the sheer uniqueness of this post added diversity to the normally more poignant blog; thus making it worthy of sharing. However, I am fully aware that it likely came across as nonsensical drivel. And I'm ok with that. Remember? I don't care.
Not sad, angry, or rejected. I'm the indifferent rejector.
No explanation. No desire to find one or accurately articulate. Amorphous and convoluted: preferable. Words' precision would solidify; thus altering, defining, and shattering. Simple nothingness. No harmony. No peace. No violence. No destruction. Indifferent rejection, simultaneous blanket acceptance. I'm entertained by the backwardness. The opposite-ness to who I am most days. Curious. Interesting. This is the "abnormal" phase. To be overcome. To say "wiser" or "more real" elevates this condition and undoes it.
Sitting in the cushy chair of Starbucks watching passersby thinking they have some place to be or that they're enjoying the day. Aimless. Pointless.
I'm restless, energetic, antsy, passive, directionless. A smile. I'm enjoying my antithetical condition. I know my normal, happy, well-adjusted self would be displeased with my current disposition--in a non-judgemental way, of course.
Whatever. Not trying to rebel or deliberately reject--implies purpose, intent. I'm without.
I'm the anti-Nicole. Nothing pleases. Nothing displeases. Personification of "whatever."
I see bright sunshine, and like the pressed button of a laugh track, I produce a canned response, "the sun's nice." Most days I'd mean it. Today, I'm just glad it's not cloudy. The dreariness would have likely corrupted my non-ness into something gloomy. The sun purifies my apathy.
An observer. Disengaged. Uninvolved.
Should try to snap out of it. Don't care. Kind of like it here. New and different... in it's cliched indifference.
Last night I changed the banner on my phone--a message to see every time I flip open my "communicator"--to something that might spark inspiration or motivation: "why not?" Conversely, today the overwhelming question is "why?"
I search the street for something to engage me. Bright red hair... ! I'll dye my hair, pierce a facial feature, get a tattoo. I'm interested. Piqued. A feeling. Should I? The irony of my "cure" being rebellious, superficial alterations amuses me. Do it to be ironic? No one would get my joke. Who cares if they would. Too much effort. Pointless. I'm over it.
... I'll jump in the Aloha Tower Harbor. I'll walk down the street with no pants. Too much attention. Nothing to rebel against. No statements. No point.
I'm wearing a fuzzy gray Muppet-fur poncho around my neck; it's soft. I like it. Oh, I like something. Over it.
I'm spent. I am aware that my vain attempt to describe my thoughts today has somewhat defiled their purity. Oh well. To any (unfortunate) readers who've happened upon this anomalous entry (read: Mom), please be assured that I'm fine and have probably "recovered" by the time you've finished reading this. (Luckily, my moods are also transient.) I thought the sheer uniqueness of this post added diversity to the normally more poignant blog; thus making it worthy of sharing. However, I am fully aware that it likely came across as nonsensical drivel. And I'm ok with that. Remember? I don't care.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Promised Picture
This one doesn't require too much explanation except that it was taken near a dark alleyway in a market. Emerson (Rotary) kindly posed for the picture.
Happy Birthday to me!
Saturday and Sunday we worked at the site where children (boys) who are "in conflict with the law" (CICL) will learn technical skills like carpentry and welding. We're (Rotary) helping to build their facilities. The work sites are segregated by sex, for the most part with the men working with the cement and cinder blocks and the women doing sealing, sanding, and painting in a different building. I painted an outside railing yesterday, so I had to bend all the way over the railing to get the back of it; and then squatted all the way down to get the bottom--basically turned my body into a physical therapist's dream. Ha ha! Get it? Yeah, moving on.
They feed us five times a day because it's still the Philippines. I'm doing surprisingly well not filling myself up at every meal, though. Not sure it matters when there's so many, but I'm happy for my self-control, nonetheless.
This morning (Monday), everyone was wishing me Happy Birthday. Yay 28! Today, the women of the Rotary trip forewent the body strain that is the construction site and went to the Consuelo Home to work with (my) girls instead. I was sort of in charge of the group. It was somewhat difficult since I didn't really have time to plan anything nor did I have a phone to communicate with the people at the shelter or the transportation to and from, but I managed. We were there for almost six hours (two meals), and played games, danced, laughed, and sang the whole time. There were 8 of us Rotary ladies, ranging in ages from 28 to 76; I was the only one under 40. There were 12 Consuelo girls and ranged in age from 9 to 18--I only knew two of them. My favorite Nanette (whom I got to see on Saturday) was graduating from elementary school today, so she wasn't there.
For dinner, I invited my friends to come to CFS. They came late, which worked out well because I got to sit with Rotary people during dinner and my friends during dessert. They sang to me, gave me my own mini chocolate cake (which I shared with my friends) and a strawberry shortcake for everyone else. Both were delicious. There was, unfortunately, no videoke, but there were candles! I hung out with my friends for a while, but the looming 6am wake up call meant I was in bed by 10:30pm.
I understand that for many of you, it's still my birthday over there. How fun for you! Hope you enjoy it. I did.
They feed us five times a day because it's still the Philippines. I'm doing surprisingly well not filling myself up at every meal, though. Not sure it matters when there's so many, but I'm happy for my self-control, nonetheless.
This morning (Monday), everyone was wishing me Happy Birthday. Yay 28! Today, the women of the Rotary trip forewent the body strain that is the construction site and went to the Consuelo Home to work with (my) girls instead. I was sort of in charge of the group. It was somewhat difficult since I didn't really have time to plan anything nor did I have a phone to communicate with the people at the shelter or the transportation to and from, but I managed. We were there for almost six hours (two meals), and played games, danced, laughed, and sang the whole time. There were 8 of us Rotary ladies, ranging in ages from 28 to 76; I was the only one under 40. There were 12 Consuelo girls and ranged in age from 9 to 18--I only knew two of them. My favorite Nanette (whom I got to see on Saturday) was graduating from elementary school today, so she wasn't there.
For dinner, I invited my friends to come to CFS. They came late, which worked out well because I got to sit with Rotary people during dinner and my friends during dessert. They sang to me, gave me my own mini chocolate cake (which I shared with my friends) and a strawberry shortcake for everyone else. Both were delicious. There was, unfortunately, no videoke, but there were candles! I hung out with my friends for a while, but the looming 6am wake up call meant I was in bed by 10:30pm.
I understand that for many of you, it's still my birthday over there. How fun for you! Hope you enjoy it. I did.
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